Stayin' Alive
by TheBigCat
Summary: Artemis Fowl is infected with a strange disease that makes him afraid of his friends. Not to mention the fact that he can shapeshift. So, how can they cure him? Why is he in the Amazon? And is Opal Koboi behind all this?
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N: Hey guys, this is just a short side project that I'm doing along the side of Foaly's Diary, it's sorta like a songfic but without the song. R&R!)**

When you're chasing after something, it's good to know what you're looking for.

For example, if you know that you're looking for an average height, raven haired and pale skinned teenage genius, who also happens to have mismatched eyes, then you are likely to have found him almost immediately.

Yes, Butler and Holly were looking for the aforementioned Artemis Fowl. But there were two problems with my statement.

One, they were not looking for him in Ireland, or even in Haven, they were tracking him down in unknown territory to either of them, the Amazon rainforest, to be precise.

And two, they did not know who they were looking for. He could be a bird, a tiger, an insect, even a bacterium.

That pretty much smashes my logic to shambles.

* * *

Let's back up a bit, shall we? Why is Artemis Fowl the Second running from his bodyguard and his closest friend? Why could he be any animal, insect or organism at all? Why is he in the Amazon rainforest?

Well, guess what? I'm not going to tell you. (Ner ner de ner ner).

* * *

Oh, fine, I'll tell you. But you'll have to wait a bit, so I can have some coffee.

...

...

...

Dum de dum...

Would you like a cookie? Okay. Here's one. (::)

...

And a doughnut? I'll leave it out for you... (0)

...

Okay. Now I'm ready.

* * *

It all began in Fowl Manor a couple of weeks ago. Artemis was on his computer(as expected) and he was typing a message to his 'enemy' Foaly the centaur.

_TheBigGeniusRocks TO horsesense _

_Ready for a bit of hacking?_

Foaly replied right away.

_'Kay. I've got some advanced firewalls just waiting to kick you backwards off the computer._

Thousands of miles underground Foaly sat back smugly. There was a beep from his computer. He smiled. Probably Arty admitting defeat. He opened the message. There was no words, just an old-fashioned JPEG picture. Curious, Foaly opened it...

...to reveal a picture of Artemis with a printout of his own file- from the LEP records.

* * *

Artemis swore he could hear the scream from belowground. He opened a message to send to Foaly...

* * *

Another ding from Foaly's computer. Fuming, he opened the message.

" _aZdfd jugfFGHJKFTRCKJHGBVERFH7grnk uygf67ujhelpdtrghopalkoboigh _ "

WHAT?

Foaly reviewed the message again. The only legible words in it were 'jug' 'kuyg' 'help' and 'opalkoboi'.

Okay, maybe 'jug' wasn't part of it. But 'kuyg' meant 'dwarf' in Gnommish, so maybe he was being captured by a dwarf.

So why was Opal Koboi mentioned? He experimentally dragged his hand across the keyboard.

" thmlkoijhgfdergb kihgfrtdarvithjokihjgcvx "

**Nope. Nothing recognizable.**

He opened up his video feed to Fowl Manor, to be precise, Artemis Fowl's computer room.

He unconciously whistled.

The glass was smashed, there were evident signs of a struggle, and the keyboard was upended.

Foaly opened another screen. This one was Artemis's shoe tracker, the one the Butler had sprayed on during the Atlantis Complex incident. That was odd. There were signs of Artemis all over the globe. One in Africa, one in Ireland and one in Asia, not to mention a whole lot more sprinkled all over the place.

So, Foaly did what he could do.

He called up the most feisty female police officer above or below the globe. Captain Holly Short.


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N: Sorry,SHadowhuntress, this is a side project. When I'm not updating this story, I'd advise you to check out Foaly's Diary. It has the same type of humour! Here's the next chapter.)**

Holly Short was not happy. Being woken up at a very early time is not pleasant for anyone. And, wouldn't you know it, Foaly and Artemis had been hacking at 5000 HMT (Haven Mean Time). WHich is 2:00 am for humans. And, as we all know, elves like to sleep in. So, yeah. Let's just say she wasn't happy instead of wasting several paragraphs explaining just how unhappy she was. Yeah. Ooops. I've already wasted a paragraph...

... Oh well. Anyway, Holly swung her legs out of bed and pressed the call button.

"Yeah?" she said grumpily.

"Hi Holly," neighed Foaly. "Artemis has disappeared."

"Why am I not surprised?" grunted Holly, who by the way had already got dressed and had a gun in her hand.

"Right," said Holly, once she had got to LEP central. "What has our little Mud Boy got up to this time?"

Foaly rolled his eyes. "We were just doing a bit of hacking together..."

Holly paused him. "Hacking?"

"Yes, hacking. Anyway, he sent me this message."

Foaly opened up the message. Holly peered at the screen.

"aZdfd jugfFGHJKFTRCKJHGBVERFH7grnk uygf67ujhelpdtrghopalkoboigh?" She read.

Foaly highlighted the important bit, namely 'help' and the name of Holly's arch-nemisis.

"D'arvit," she growled.

oO00Oo

Now, you may be wondering what happened to Butler. Why hasn't he noticed that Artemis has disappeared. Well, let's just say that the answer is quite interesting. Let's go back a bit...

Butler was having a nap. Yes, yes, I know, but even bodyguards need rest. WHat did you think, that they just stayed up all night, or that they weren't human? Seriously. Some people have no sense. But, to cut a long story short, Butler was sleeping. Suddenly, his finely tuned Butler senses woke him up. And, wouldn't you know it, he found the glass smashed. Howling with anger and despair, he crashed out the front door...

And fainted. It was all too much for him.

oO00Oo

Holly and Foaly, plus one extra that will be revealed later, were watching.

"Wow," commented Foaly. "I didn't think he'd make it that far."

He opened yet another window on his screen that displayed a map of the world. A red dot was speeding across the screen. Foaly whistled.

"What's the big deal?" asked Holly. "it's just a speedily moving dot."

"It means that Artemis is moving across the world at roughly..." he punched the buttons of a calculator, which promptly exploded. "... very fast."

Holly grinned, showing a row of very white, very vicious looking teeth.

"Let's go get him."

oO00Oo

After picking up Butler, who still looked slightly shell-shocked, they headed off in a supersonic shuttle (borrowed forcefully) that headed off back underground.

No one said anything, but that may have been more due to the fact that Foaly had a rather large gun in his hands.

"Annd... we're off!"

Personally, I think he was being a bit melodramatic... BUT... anyway...

**(A/N: I hope you liked it. Thanks to Juliegirl22, Shadowhuntress and Master Phantomhive for reviewing. I've set up a poll on my profile, I'd advise you to have a look. Keep reading!**

**~TheBigCat)**


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